How to Help an Angry Child
Anger is an important emotion. It signals us to make changes. It tells us something is wrong. Can you imagine how the world would be if no one was ever angry? Rosa Parks would have never refused to move on the bus. The Boston Tea Party would have never happened. We may still be under England’s rule, if no one became angry and stepped up to make changes. The MADD organization would have never been created. John Walsh would have never created America’s Most Wanted and become an advocate for victim’s rights. I could go on and on with examples of how anger has helped the world.
Unfortunately, I could go on equally as long telling how anger has hurt the world too. My office is filled with stories of hurt and results of anger gone wrong.
So, how do we help our children learn how to use anger for good instead of bad? I don’t want to teach my kids to NOT be angry. I want to teach them WHAT to do when they are angry. I want them to stand up for what is right. I want them to create positive change. I want them to have the skills to fix their wrongs.
First, we can’t help our children cope with anger if we don’t know how to control it ourselves. We can’t teach someone how to do something that we can’t do ourselves. Children learn by watching us. If you are yelling or cursing when angry, don’t be surprised when your child does the same. The same is true if you handle your anger, by holding it in and not expressing it at all. Children will then learn that anger shouldn’t be expressed at all and that it is not okay to be angry. It is important as a parent to recognize that you are a role model. Children will do as you do. If you have trouble handling you anger, consider going to a counselor to learn new ways. You and your child can actually work on it together!
Second, use words to teach children how to express anger verbally. It is important to validate a child’s anger. This is done by simply expressing what you see. Here are some examples: “I can tell you are really angry.” “You are so mad at me right now!” “You feel mad because you can’t do what you want to do. I can see why you would feel angry.” “It is hard to not get what you want! You are mad!” This may seem very simple, but it is very powerful. By giving them words for their feelings, you are teaching them. Even if you think they are not listening to you, they are. Children will feel as though you are really listening to them which in turns diffuses some of the anger too.
Third, children do need limits on what is not okay to do when angry. It is important that limits are expressed in a neutral tone and stated matter-of-factly. If limits are said in an angry way or appear to be an order, expect defiance. Examples of states limits are: “People are not for hitting.” “That is not for tearing up.” “That is not for breaking.” “I am not for screaming at.”
Fourth, children need a healthy direction to express anger. They need some way to channel those angry feelings. It doesn’t really help them to just tell them to stop expressing anger because those feelings will still be there. Help them find a way to release those feelings in a socially acceptable way. Find something that is okay to hit such as a pillow, mattress, big stuffed animal, punching bag etc… They can write down the reason they are angry on paper and then tear it up (or just tear the paper). Other ideas are screaming into a pillow, taking a walk around the house, coloring, or blowing bubbles (which helps with relaxation breathing). Most importantly, they can use words to express anger. Encourage them to TELL you how angry they are – even if it is at you! Help them find other people they can talk to when angry such as a teacher, counselor, pastor, grandparent etc…
Fifth, find solutions to the issue that contributed to the anger. When things are calm, talk about the situation and what could be done in the future to help. Children may need help to identify triggers to anger. In a non-judgmental way, parents can help children investigate why they have gotten angry. I usually start this conversation by saying “I have noticed that whenever _______ happens you get really angry.” Or “I wondered if maybe you felt ______________ because _____________”. Once a trigger has been identified, then you can problem solve the situation by saying “I wonder what else you could have done?” or “I wonder what would have happened if you had_________.”
Finally, don’t be surprised if things don’t change overnight. Learning to cope with anger and then problem solve in healthy ways does take work and practice. Children are not born with these skills. They learn them. There may still be days when there are blow-ups and tantrums. I encourage you to look at these as teaching moments – not behavior problems. These are opportunities to build a relationship with your child and teach them new skills to handle anger. Seize this time! If you need support, we are here to help or we can help find someone who can.
