Unfortunately, I could go on equally as long telling how anger has hurt the world too.    My office is filled with stories of hurt and results of anger gone wrong.  

So, how do we help our children learn how to use anger for good instead of bad?  I don’t want to teach my kids to NOT be angry.  I want to teach them WHAT to do when they are angry.  I want them to stand up for what is right. I want them to create positive change.  I want them to have the skills to fix their wrongs. 

First, we can’t help our children cope with anger if we don’t know how to control it ourselves.  We can’t teach someone how to do something that we can’t do ourselves.  Children learn by watching us.  If you are yelling or cursing when angry, don’t be surprised when your child does the same.   The same is true if you handle your anger, by holding it in and not expressing it at all.  Children will then learn that anger shouldn’t be expressed at all and that it is not okay to be angry.  It is important as a parent to recognize that you are a role model.  Children will do as you do.  If you have trouble handling you anger, consider going to a counselor to learn new ways.  You and your child can actually work on it together!

Second, use words to teach children how to express anger verbally.   It is important to validate a child’s anger.  This is done by simply expressing what you see.  Here are some examples:  “I can tell you are really angry.” “You are so mad at me right now!”  “You feel mad because you can’t do what you want to do.  I can see why you would feel angry.” “It is hard to not get what you want!  You are mad!”  This may seem very simple, but it is very powerful.  By giving them words for their feelings, you are teaching them.  Even if you think they are not listening to you, they are.  Children will feel as though you are really listening to them which in turns diffuses some of the anger too.

Third, children do need limits on what is not okay to do when angry.  It is important that limits are expressed in a neutral tone and stated matter-of-factly.  If limits are said in an angry way or appear to be an order, expect defiance.  Examples of states limits are:  “People are not for hitting.”  “That is not for tearing up.”  “That is not for breaking.”  “I am not for screaming at.”

Fourth, children need a healthy direction to express anger.  They need some way to channel those angry feelings.  It doesn’t really help them to just tell them to stop expressing anger because those feelings will still be there.  Help them find a way to release those feelings in a socially acceptable way.  Find something that is okay to hit such as a pillow, mattress, big stuffed animal, punching bag etc…   They can write down the reason they are angry on paper and then tear it up (or just tear the paper).  Other ideas are screaming into a pillow, taking a walk around the house, coloring, or blowing bubbles (which helps with relaxation breathing).  Most importantly, they can use words to express anger.  Encourage them to TELL you how angry they are – even if it is at you!  Help them find other people they can talk to when angry such as a teacher, counselor, pastor, grandparent etc…

Fifth, find solutions to the issue that contributed to the anger.  When things are calm, talk about the situation and what could be done in the future to help.  Children may need help to identify triggers to anger.  In a non-judgmental way, parents can help children investigate why they have gotten angry.  I usually start this conversation by saying “I have noticed that whenever _______ happens you get really angry.” Or “I wondered if maybe you felt ______________ because _____________”.  Once a trigger has been identified, then you can problem solve the situation by saying “I wonder what else you could have done?” or “I wonder what would have happened if you had_________.”

Finally, don’t be surprised if things don’t change overnight.  Learning to cope with anger and then problem solve in healthy ways does take work and practice.    Children are not born with these skills.  They learn them.  There may still be days when there are blow-ups and tantrums.  I encourage you to look at these as teaching moments – not behavior problems.   These are opportunities to build a relationship with your child and teach them new skills to handle anger.  Seize this time!  If you need support, we are here to help or we can help find someone who can.

What did suprise me though was how many parents did NOT play with their kids on the beach.  I saw them reading, laying out on a beach chair, talking to each other or on the phone, or just simply doing nothing but relaxing.   I know why.  It’s because we need a break too.  It is tempting to just sit in a chair and watch the kids play.  However, as I watch my children run up and down the beach, I feel this sense of not wanting to miss a moment of this time.  Time is going by so fast and I know soon my kids will be grown.   In all of this, I discovered a better way to relax.  PLAY on the beach!  Build sandcastles with your kids.  Make a huge castle and small drip castles.  Use shells and sticks for windows and draw bridges etc..  My boys even bring little army men to set up camps and battles.  Jump the waves.  Look for strange sea creatures.  Bury your feet and your kids feet.  See how far you can dig.  And most of all, laugh with your kids.  There are many reasons sand is used in therapy, but one is just simply having your hands touch the earth and move it is therapeutic.  Playing in the sand at the beach is therapeutic.  It does relax you.  It connects you to the earth and your kids.  It reminds you of what is important.  Don’t let it pass you by!  I challenge you to try this on your next vacation and see how relaxed and happy you feel!  To me, it’s better than sitting in a chair any day!

Here are some pictures:

Sandtray area of play room

Play room

Counseling room

-sticking your tongue out of the side of your mouth really does help you use scissors to cut straight lines  (try it and see if it helps you concentrate!)

-it’s important to keep trying to do it and not give up – even if it makes a big mess! (even a REALLY big mess)

-doing the “I have to pee dance” really does help you hold it longer, so you can finish what you are doing

-hearing the story of when you were born never gets old

-grandparents can fix anything that’s not right and they know all the answers

-you can’t get enough of :  “I knew you could it!” or “I love you”

-when someone asks you a question, you can answer it honestly

-screaming “no!” and stomping your feet really does help you feel better when you can’t get your way

-eat when your hungry, sleep when you’re tired

-when mom and dad fight, it’s scary and makes you want to cry – even if they don’t think it is a big deal

-if someone tells you to shut-up, you remember that they don’t want to hear what you have to say

-if someone tells you “not now”, you remember and are waiting

-bugs, animals, sun, moon, dirt, and water are all amazing things

-the more we can touch “amazing things”, the happier it makes us

- when people die, we are sad, but they are still with us and are in heaven

- you can still talk to to the people you love even if they aren’t here

-if someone plays with you, that someone is now your best friend

-blowing bubbles can always make you feel happy

-you don’t forget when people hurt you

-you can forgive when people hurt you

-you can love people who hurt you

Children are amazing.  It seems like at times God puts words in their mouths that we just need to hear in that moment.  I can’t tell you how many times a child has said something that made me say “ Thank you, God.  That’s just what I needed to hear today!”  Listen to them -  you’ll see.

Kids value our time with them.  They look forward to time with someone who loves them unconditionally!  Kids remember the moments you spend talking to them.  They remember times you laid on the floor playing with them.  They remember when you put something down to be with them.  They remember when you laughed at their jokes.  They definitely notice when you are really listening to them and enjoying their presence.

But, you know what’s really scary?  They remember when you tell them “Not now!”   They remember when you miss their baseball game or their school play.  They remember when you say “I have something important to do – I can’t now.”   They remember when you yell, spank, and get frustrated.

I hear it almost everyday.  Kids want time with their parents.   Are you making your time with them count?  Are you caught up in everyday “stuff” that doesn’t really matter?  Don’t wait!  Make a change – memories are in the making right now!

Here are some common signs of trauma from Trauma in the Lives of Children by Kendall Johnson, PhD.:

PRESCHOOL/KINDERGARTEN
REACTIONS TO TRAUMA
-Withdrawal
-Denial of facts and memories, avoidance of certain issues, ignoring certain people or conditions
-Thematic play, play that is ritualistic, re-enactments of events, fascinations of themes in books or television, art reflects trauma
-Anxious attachment to parents or objects, increased tantrums (since tantrums are normal at this age, change in frequency or intensity is most affected)
-Specific fears of situations or objects Ex: Sudden avoidance of the playground, refusal to read part of a story, afraid to go to sleep
-Regression, acting like a baby, sucking thumb, curled up in fetal position, seems to be searching for comfort
-Sleep and appetite disturbances
-Nightmares

YOUNG SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN
REACTIONS TO TRAUMA

-Withdrawal
-Performance decline (school, sports, or hobbies)
-Fantasy play that denies or reverses traumatic event (Ex: killing the perpetrator)
-Obsessive talking about event, repeated in written work, art, or verbally
-Avoidance of certain places, people
-Discrepancy in mood, exhibit feelings that are inappropriate to the situation
-Behavior changes or problems trying to relieve anxiety, get attention, or sort out troubling information
-Elaborate re-enactments of events through play
-Psychosomatic complaints- headaches, stomachaches (very real or imagined)
-Sleep and appetite disturbances
-Nightmares

If your child has any of these symptoms, therapy may benefit him/her. Please feel free to contact us for a free phone consultation. If we can’t help you, we will help you find someone who can!

The following is a list of fun activities or ideas to try:
-Game night (board games or even get interested in playing their video games with them).
-Cooking. Try making a new food together. Pick out the recipe together, make a shopping list, go to the store, and work together to make dinner.
-Go on a nature hike.
-Silly games such as spit ball contest, bubble blowing contest, silly string or shaving cream fight etc…
-Ask your child for ideas and choose activities that require you to interact with each other. (Your child loves horses-look up horses on the internet, read horse books together, go look at horses, go horseback riding)
-Crafts including models, Legos, scrapbooking, clay, paint, sewing, home-made play doh etc…
-Limit watching TV or movies. While you are spending time together, you are not building a relationship with each other during this time. If you only see your child every other weekend, then make each minute count.

Here on some tips to encourage more communication between you and your child:
-Ask open ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer (What was the funniest thing that happened at school today? What was the best/worst thing that happened this week?)
-Don’t ask questions about “life” with the other parent. This makes children feel interrogated and they may resent you for asking. If they share something on their own, then be interested and let them know you are listening.
-Do ask questions about their life. “Tell me about your friends” “What’s new at school?” “What’s your favorite movie, activity etc…?”
-Don’t EVER discuss money or child support-save this for your ex! Children need to feel that they are being taken care of by both parents to feel safe. They don’t need to know the details!
-Don’t discuss your marriage and your reasons for divorcing their other parent (if they ask questions you can answer without placing blame or giving lots of details).
-Understand when your child wants to spend time with friends rather than you (it’s not personal!). Suggest alternate times if needed.
-Try to stick to a routine that they are used to such as the same bed-time, homework schedule, mealtimes….

Filial therapy is based on the idea that parents are the most significant adults in a child’s life and therefore, are the primary agents to create change. This means that parents can have a greater impact on helping their child than a therapist!

Filial therapy is based on principles of child-centered play therapy. First, parents are trained on how to provide specialized play sessions using skills from child-centered play therapy. Then, the therapist trains, observes, and assists the parent, so that the parent can use the skills properly. Finally, the parent begins providing filial therapy at home while continuing to work with the therapist to achieve maximum results.

The skills learned can also be applied to everyday life with the child. Filial therapy helps parents build a closer relationship to the child, allows the child to feel free to express feelings with the parents, deepens parents’ understanding of a child’s behavior, provides the child an opportunity for growth and change in a safe environment, increases self-esteem, decreases anger, depression, and so much more!

When I use these skills with my own children, I notice that my children are more relaxed, happy, and content (and so am I!). It also allows me to get an inside look at how they are really feeling. If you are interested in participating in our filial therapy training, please send me an email or check our upcoming events for the next training date.